Hello minions.

Today we continue in our efforts to exploit Google for our own personal gain. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Google exploits us. Google feeds off our curiosity and our need for knowledge.

Now it’s our turn.

Satisfaction Guaranteed in 30 Days of Your Soul Back!

I’m an evil overlord. Eventually I will have your soul on a skewer in exchange for promises of power I will dangle in front of you but never deliver. But no worries, I offer a limited time warranty! Satisfaction guaranteed in 30 days or your soul back.

Google likes guarantees.

Google is all powerful because it offers access to information instantly

Type in some words, hit search, you’re done. Tons of information at your fingertips. Simple. Brilliant.

Well wait.

It’s only brilliant because the information you get back is relevant to your search. There are millions of websites out there – Google has to rank and decide instantaneously which are best for you.

That’s why Google likes guarantees

Google’s hold on power relies heavily on it’s ability to return relevant search results. How does Google decide which results are most relevant? There are many factors, one of which being the registration period of your domain name.

Did you register your website for 1 year or 5 years? Google see’s this as a guarantee. If you’re committing to your website for a 5 year period, you must be serious. And, you won’t suddenly disappear…

Not sure what your current registration period is? Visit Host Gator and go to the forums section where an active user will help you find the information you need.

Google likes it’s reputation. What’s the risk of linking to you?

Google doesn’t look good if it sends visitors to websites that are about to vanish for eternity. It’s reputation takes a hit when the information disappears. Thanks for nothing Google. Back to square one.

That’s not good business.

If two websites have equally relevant information, which do you think Google will send you to? Definitely the one that will still be around tomorrow. That makes people happy. Thanks Google! You sent me here and for years now this has been an invaluable resource!

Brilliant.

Think I’m crazy? Check the Google Patent.

I realize some of you need proof. Take a look at what Google has to say on the subject:

Google says: “Certain signals may be used to distinguish between illegitimate and legitimate domains. For example, domains can be renewed up to a period of 10 years. Valuable (legitimate) domains are often paid for several years in advance, while doorway (illegitimate) domains rarely are used for more than a year. Therefore, the date when a domain expires in the future can be used as a factor in predicting the legitimacy of a domain and, thus, the documents associated therewith.”

Rank better in search engines by renewing your domains for longer periods

I’m an all powerful evil overlord because I exploit this and the many other weaknesses exposed by Google.

Looble is awesome. But that’s not enough. If I want to collect the souls of random peasants browsing the internet, I need to make sure my empire ranks high. I need to make sure the peasants find Looble.

Only then can I convert them to minions.

And don’t be fooled. You might be awesome, smart, egomaniacal, whatever. It doesn’t matter. The key to success is an army of minions. Why else do you think Google, Apple and Facebook are such powerful overlords? They command armies larger than the population of small countries.

Start recruiting your army of minions, learn the art of search engine optimization.

What are you waiting for, renew your domain names and websites now with Host Gator.

Don’t waste time, every second counts. Visit Host Gator immediately and renew your domains now.

If you don’t have a website, what are you waiting for? A website or blog is the perfect way to finance an evil empire, register one now and start making money online.

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You might even be given the right to breed in a post-apocalyptic future run by cyborgs.

Step 1 – Setup a Website

Unfortunately GoogleBot does not eat traditional foods. In order to take control of this powerful robot you must register a website.

Think of your website as a spoon full of pudding. Yes, your website is the key to harnessing GoogleBots power.

Need help setting up a website? Contact me. What better way for an Evil Overlord to recruit new minions than by helping them setup their own internet fortress? Plus, if I offer you my assistance now for free, maybe I can sell you something in the future.

Brilliant plan as usual.

I’m on a tight budget, can’t I just feed it cheeseburgers?

Do you honestly think cheeseburgers will help you hack Google? If only it were that simple…

Cheeseburgers will help you achieve world domination, but they won’t help you hack GoogleBot. Cheeseburgers are great if you combine them with funny looking cats and even better for secret vaccine distribution. If you want to hack Google, you need to know GoogleBots favorite foods. Unfortunately it’s not cheeseburgers.

Give GoogleBot what it wants and you shall be rewarded.

Ok, so what does GoogleBot eat?

GoogleBot is a giant robot (and I mean huge!) that Google keeps hidden in a secret laboratory. Its only purpose is to enslave humanity via ranked indexing of the internet. What does this mean? It means for now GoogleBot is happy eating websites. The time will come when GoogleBot eats our brains via neuron networks, but that’s another story. Granted, that would make finding memories much faster…

Hold on, GoogleBot plans to eat my website!?

Exactly! GoogleBot is going to eat your website whether you like it or not. I know you’re thinking, “Holy sh*t, I worked hard on that site”, but don’t worry, GoogleBot doesn’t physically eat your website. That would be ridiculous. GoogleBot simply consumes your content.

If you are what you eat, then GoogleBot is what it eats. Since you control your website, you control what GoogleBot eats.

The logical conclusion is that you now control GoogleBot. Well actually, you control GoogleBots diet. … If you want to control GoogleBot, you still need to learn the right recipe.

What recipe will give me control over GoogleBot?

Feed GoogleBot search engine optimization. GoogleBot cannot resist SEO.

SEO is the art of feeding crawlers like GoogleBot the right recipes to make them work for you! If thats not cool, I don’t know what is! Interested in finding out more? Check out the SEO blog from the experts.

By gaining control of GoogleBot, you can re-direct highways of traffic to your website. Remember when I promised you fame? Guess what, you just acquired an audience. You’re famous.

All you need to do is master the SEO recipe.

Brilliant! Teach me some SEO so I can conquer the universe!

Are you ready for fame, fortune and success? If so, you need to begin by arming yourself with the best SEO tools. Remember, you’re not the only one who wants a piece of GoogleBot…

The tools are great – just like an airplane is a great tool for travel. But, if you’re not a pilot, the only way an airplane is useful is if you have a ticket. The good news is that learning SEO is much simpler than aviation school. There are tons of SEO Blogs, just search Google!

If you’re not sure where to get started with SEO, Ask me, or get professional SEO assistance.

Which SEO recipe will give me the most control over GoogleBot?

Just like cooking is a skill that takes time and practice, search engine optimization is an art you master over time. The content you feed GoogleBot will get tastier and tastier as long as you keep SEO in mind when designing websites, writing content and deciding on titles.

Can you point me to the best SEO Resources to help me get started?
Everybody has their own personal learning preferences. Some people like training, others prefer playing with the tools, reading blogs or watching videos. Whatever your preference, one of the below links are exactly what you are looking for to help get you started conquering the world.

• SEO Videos
• SEO Blog
• SEO Tools
• SEO Training

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Yes, Google is evil. On the surface they may claim these to be April Fools Jokes, but at the very root of their evil schemes are plans for conquest. They may not be after the complete and total destruction of the universe, but don’t be fooled – every one of these schemes is meant to grow their power. If Google is having a little fun, they can’t be evil can they? Wrong. They are brilliantly evil.

Well played Google. You win round 1.

• Mentalplex
• Pigeon Rank
• Google Copernicus Center
• Google Gulp
• Google Moon Becomes Cheese!
• Google Romance
• Gmail Paper
• Google TiSP Beta
• Answer to life, the universe and everything = 42!
• Google Map directions from North America to Europe tell you to swim!
• Klingon, Bork bork bork, or Elmer Fudd Google

If you know of any other evil Google schemes for world domination, please leave a comment including all the juicy details.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. As fellow evil overlords, we have a lot to learn from Google.

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I looked to Hotmail for help. It couldn’t do what Outlook could do. Finally, along came Gmail and all my problems were solved. Gmail set me free from greedy ISP’s, set me free to check my email anywhere. Now work wants me to abandon that and return to the mistakes of my past. They want me to use my work email, an email that will change every time I change job. That sucks, but fine. I’m reasonable, I’ll use it for work. But why block Gmail? Wasn’t I hired based on my experience? I’ve worked on a lot of projects, I can access a lot of experience through Gmail. A quick search can bring up many messages containing solutions or links to valuable resources or source code. Gmail is more than a mail service, it’s a tool, it’s my personal assistant.

How is Gmail a Tool?

I’m a developer. As a hobby, I develop software and games and then share them on Looble. I’ve also contributed plugins and modules to many open source projects like Wordpress and Joomla. I learn a lot working with free open source software and tools. I subscribe to many forums where I can find answers to problems. I subscribe to mailing lists which keep me up-to-date with new trends, new technology, new tools. I email myself ideas, links, and other information that I could never remember if I relied on my memory. I can find this information in seconds using Gmail’s powerful search. I can organize thoughts and ideas using labels. I can instantly message a contact using Google Talk and they are usually happy to help me or direct me to a solution, for free.

Gmail a powerful tool because it helps me connect with information I have personally identified as being relevant, important and accurate.

Blocking Gmail Kills my Productivity

Now when I get stuck at work, I cannot access all the resources I have collected over the years. If I encounter a problem I’ve already solved, rather than access the solution in seconds by searching my email, I have to solve the problem again or search Google. This is a waste of time.

I’m also registered to many forums. Forums are a great place to find answers to common problems. They are a great place to find help from experienced people, people from around the world. I can’t reply or post on these forums without an account and I have too many accounts on too many sites to remember all the passwords. If I had access to my Gmail account, I could do a password retrieval. I don’t want to make new accounts for all these sites every time I change job (see paragraph one!). Also, using my account I can instantly find my old posts. I can find the answers to the questions I know have a good answer.

With my Gmail account I can quickly access valuable information faster and would be significantly more productive. But, my work won’t allow that because maybe I’ll also send a personal email to my mom.

Embrace Technology, Don’t Fight It.

My work wants me to be productive, so they block Gmail. Guess what myself and others did as soon as Gmail was blocked? We spent the next two hours looking for ways to circumvent the ban. Was it productive for the company? No. Was it time well spent? Yes. A way around the ban was found and we were all back to using Gmail. Of course work filters are always improved and Gmail was eventually blocked again. Then what? Another few hours were wasted trying to circumvent it… How is that productive?

Several hours will be lost over and over again until finally the censor filters win. And once the censor filters do win, the real loser is the company because I can still email my mom from my work email address or download a virus. I just can’t access tons of useful information and resources that could help me do my job faster and better.

So how do I unblock Gmail?

Before you try to access blocked Gmail, keep in mind that doing so could upset your employer. You don’t want to lose your job over Gmail, even if accessing it would make you more productive. If you’re still willing to take the risk, here are the Top 5 tricks to access Gmail when it’s been blocked:

Top 5 Tricks to Access Blocked Gmail

1. Access Blocked Gmail by Using a Different Web Address
Instead of using http://mail.google.com, try https://mail.google.com

If that doesn’t work, try these:

• http://www.gmail.com | https://www.gmail.com
• http://gmail.com | https://gmail.com
• http://googlemail.com | https://googlemail.com
• http://m.gmail.com | https://m.gmail.com
• http://mail.google.com/mail/x/ | https://mail.google.com/mail/x/

2. Access Blocked Gmail by Using iGoogle
Use iGoogle with the Gmail iGoogle Gadget. You’ll then be able to read and reply to email on your iGoogle homepage. Unfortunately you’ll be missing your most powerful features: search, labels and chat. Basically, work filters have made sure that you’ll only be able to use Gmail for personal reasons rather than work related purposes. Good job!

3. Access Blocked Gmail Using a Smart Phone
It’s not a perfect solution, but if you have an iPhone, Android phone, or any other cell phone with internet access, you can get Gmail for your mobile phone.

4. Access Blocked Gmail Using the Opera Mini Simulator
Don’t have a smart phone? That’s ok. The Opera Mini Simulator lets you run a live demo of the Opera Mini browser. It runs just like it would on a handset, except you access it from your computer. It’s not convenient. It’s not pretty. But it usually always works. For a better browsing experience, you’ll want to use the mobile version of Gmail.

• http://www.opera.com/mini/demo/

5. Unblock Gmail… by Translating it!
It might sound crazy, but translating Google will sometimes let you access it when it’s been blocked. Head over to http://translate.google.com/ then enter the web address for Gmail. Translate from any language to english, cross your fingers, and hope for the best!

Conclusion

If you’re blocking Gmail you’re treating your employees like enemies, not co-workers. You’re not ensuring they remain productive, you’re doing the opposite. Make your employees happy, make work fun and enjoyable, encourage creativity and collaboration. Then you’ll see productivity go up and turn-over go down. With lower turn-over, imagine how productive your staff can be when they don’t have to spend as much time training new staff.

Don’t punish your employees for mistakes they haven’t made. Reward them for success they haven’t had. Encourage them to succeed, don’t threaten them with the consequences of failure.

Unblock Gmail.

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Other good news around the Looble Network comes in the form of Google Page Rank which has also been on the rise! The BattleCity Classic Forums are leading the pack with a Page Rank of 3. Flogger also recently climbed from a Page Rank of 1 to 2!

The ultimate goal is to get those Page Ranks up to 4-5 throughout the Looble Network and to break into the Top 100,000 on Alexa! Fasten your seat-belts, here we go!!!

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