Those who laugh last think slowest

Whoever said nothing was impossible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door

Save a tree, eat a beaver! Hurray for Earth Day!

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher

Let’s share, You’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway

You never learn anything by doing it right

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources

Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege

Don’t take life so seriously, it isn’t permanent.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand

In the end everything we do, is just everything we’ve done

Do you believe in love at first sight or do i have to walk by again?

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong

I’ve lowered my expectations to the point where they’ve already been met

Stupidity is not a crime, so you’re free to go

Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.

Experience is the name so many people give to their mistakes

I can resist everything except temptation

a Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother

A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Every calendars days are numbered

A backward poet writes inverse

Energizer Bunny arrested — charged with battery…

Dijon vu — the same mustard as before

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds

Without geometry, life is pointless

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I’ll show you A flat minor

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large

For more quotes, follow me on Twitter.

That’s all the little penguin said. This was odd of course, because I should have been dead…

“Looble… Looble!”

I was about to crash a surely fatal crash when my spaceship decided to explode instead. I’m still not sure which fate would have been best, but one thing was certain, both options were fatal and I was most certainly dead…

“Follow me! Looble… Looble!

No doubt about it now, I was definitely dead. My mission was to collect samples of a new microbial lifeform discovered in the galaxy. This creature was not a microbe. This little fellow was an advanced intelligence, something we had yet to find, something which could only exist within the subconscious of a dying man…

“Let’s go Mr. Alien, military will be here soon!”

You don’t travel thousands of light years across the galaxy to find a cute little tuxedo creature who also happens to speak the same language as you. There are things that are possible and things that are not. The chances of this being a probable reality were infinitesimally small. The likelihood of being dead on the other hand, those were good odds.

“You’re not dead Mr. Alien, we’ve been expecting you. We need to move. Follow me.”

As the little creature waddled away something brushed passed me. I couldn’t tell if it was the light or perhaps the result of a head injury, but all I saw was a translucent bubble floating after the penguin. Come to think of it, how did I even know the creature was a penguin? A penguin named Deceth…

“Looble… Looble!”

I dusted myself off and began my journey. A true man of science leaves no mystery unsolved, not even in the subconscious of his dying moments…

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