When someone plants potatoes on my lawn I get upset. It’s not that I dislike potatoes – in fact I find them quite tasty and aesthetically pleasing. The problem is WTF?!

Don’t mess with an evil overlords lawn if you know what’s good for you.

When it comes to my lawn, I have a very simple rule: My lawn should not contain potatoes, reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.

If you plant potatoes on my lawn, there will be consequences. I will retaliate. Don’t think that because I’m an evil overlord I don’t have access to my own arsenal of vegetables.

You will pay.

Planting potatoes on my lawn makes you a cheap villain.

Potatoes are one of the cheapest vegetables you can buy. If you plant potatoes on my lawn, you’re a cheap bastard.

If you want some respect, plant some asparagus on my lawn. Or how about a f***ing Halloween pumpkin, I’m an evil overlord remember?

Planting potatoes on my lawn makes you cheap villain scum.

You will pay.

If you think you’re a hero, you need to get a life.

If you think planting potatoes on my lawn makes you the good guy, you’re wrong. You’re no hero. Heroes pull swords from stone, they don’t plant vegetables in dirt.

Plating potatoes on my lawn makes you an assh*le. Robin Hood would give those potatoes to the poor.

You will pay.

Throwing potatoes is more effective.

Is it really necessary to plant potatoes on my lawn? Launching potatoes would be far more effective. Spudz invading from the sky – now that would freak me out. Not to mention walking on the fallen invaders would prove difficult…

But planting potatoes on my lawn – that’s just annoying. And confusing.

Is this some form of vengeance? Are you an angry landscapers escaped from my dungeons? Did your mother not love you as a child? Are you experimenting with genetically modified potatoes?

You will pay.

If you’re trying to raise an army from the ground, you misread the manual.

If you’re trying to raise an army of zombies, planting potatoes won’t help. You need corpses. And a sorcerer.

What kind of low self-esteem evil spirit would possess a potato? Seriously, you’re a newb.

You will pay.

Keep your potatoes away from my lawn.

It’s a simple request.

Keep your potatoes away from my lawn, or I’ll boil-em, mash-em and stick-em in a stew.

You will pay.

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Congratulations. You’re pathetic. But I can help.

Why would you want an Evil Overlord to help you?

It’s simple. I’m an evil overlord who wants to take advantage of your low self-esteem. Not because I want your first born child, but because you’re more valuable than you think.

You’re crying about your failures and your meaningless existence… This means you haven’t quit yet.

You can’t conquer the world on the backs of quitters

Quitters suck. They wave a white flag in the face of adversity. They fall flat on their face in the mud.

You on the other-hand are depressed because of your consistency at one thing – failing over and over again. I’d much rather harvest the soul of a failure than a quitter. You might be terrible, but at least you’re dedicated to it.

Don’t be fooled – we have something in common. It’s not my superior intelligence, super-human skills, or ability to slam dunk in a junior sized basketball net. But consider this – my evil plots and schemes fail time and time again.

But I know the laws of probability are in my favor. Perseverance will lead to victory – just ask my good friend Wile. E. Coyote…

Will you get your cheezburger sumday?

The truth is probably not.

Sorry.

I thought you said you could help?!

I’m not a motivational speaker. The fact is, statistics and the laws of probability work both ways. If you’ve proven you can fail consistently, chances are you’ll keep on doing it.

Unless you make a change. That’s how I can help.

Take the first step – Subscribe to the Looble RSS Feed.

It couldn’t be more simple. Subscribe to the Looble RSS Feed.

It will change your life.

I won’t tell you to believe in yourself if you suck. I won’t wait until you’re down to kick you, I’ll do it while you’re up. I’ll help you hit rock bottom ASAP, so maybe, just maybe, you can skip being pathetic and move on to something more productive.

I’ll teach you how to become an Evil Overlord so you don’t live the rest of your life as a tiny insignificant peon.

Why should I trust an Evil Overlord?

If you become my minion, I can help you be less pathetic. You should take advantage of that. You should use me until I no longer serve a useful purpose in your quest for greatness.

I’ll teach you how to fail a little bit less every time you fail. Did you ever see Dr. Evil succeed in one of his twisted genius plots for world domination? No. And yet to this day he remains a role model and iconic visionary for all Evil Overlords around the globe…

That’s brilliant. You can be brilliant too.

Stop being pathetic. Become a minion of the Looble Empire, subscribe to the Looble RSS Feed.

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Dear minions of Battle City,

Since December I have been asking for help to save Battle City. I even tried recruiting development help and giving ownership of the game to the community by making Battle City open source.

All of these attempts failed.

That’s when I decided to build a giant space laser and annihilate the Battle City Server once and for all. People responded well to this. In fact, in early May the server had the third busiest day in recent history…

But all good things come to an end. The threat of annihilation is no longer effective, nobody plays again.

So, I’ve decided to try a new tactic. Bribery.

If there is an average of 10 players online in June, I will release version 4.0.0 of Battle City.

Also, if you contact me by June 15th, I will give you the tank of your choice in-game.

Your evil overlord,

- Deceth

P.S. If no donations are received in June, I’m still going to blow up the server June 26th because I didn’t build a giant space laser for nothing… muahah

—
Battle City is an open source online tank wars game. Orb the enemy to win!
http://battlecity.looble.com

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Please all mighty overlord, tell me more…!

For now, lets keep things simple. Finances. You can’t build an empire unless you can finance your evil operations. That’s why blogging is an essential part of being an evil overlord, it’s an unlimited stream of income that will be the foundation of your evil career.

How do I start a blog?

First things first – you need to setup a blog by visiting Host Gator. Yes, that’s an affiliate link, and yes you will click it anyways.

It’s not going to be all peaches, some assembly will be required. What did you expect, to be handed an evil empire? Don’t be lazy, that’s why I’m evil overlord, not you.

more funny pictures

How do I turn this blog into a love machine… I mean money maker?

Your blog is a beautiful piranha fish waiting to grow into a flesh eating monster. Sure it starts off tiny, unnoticed, and insignificant, but give it time. Yes, time is the main ingredient you’ll need to invest in your blog. By constantly investing time, you can turn a tiny little website into a huge empire! Blog often, do it on a consistent schedule and comment comment comment!

Comment on what?

Comment on other blogs. How do you think you ended up here, by magic? I don’t think so. Contrary to popular belief, most overlords do not command an evil sorcerer. If an evil sorcerer were real, don’t you think they would be evil overlord?

Comments on other blogs are tiny gateways to your domain. The more gateways you create, the more minions you can funnel into your blog and enslave.

Sounds easy, what’s the catch?

The catch is you. You’re lazy, you’re an oaf, a couch potato with no motivation to last long enough to turn your simple minded boring blog into a stream of income.

But don’t worry, that’s what I’m here for. Subscribe to the Looble RSS Feed, you need my help. Every successful blogger out there has an evil overlord coaching them, whether they admit to it or not. You know those voices in your head? Who do you think put them there?

That’s right, master is here.

So, how do I actually make money from my blog?

Patience minion. I can teach you the ways, but I fear sharing this final secret to fortune will overload your tiny little feeble brain.

If you want to learn how to make money from your blog, subscribe to the Looble RSS Feed and I’ll tell you. Maybe in a day, maybe in a week. I will tell you. The suspense is thrilling, it’s part of the overlord persona.

For now, focus on the task at hand. Visit Host Gator and setup your website.

Will you really teach me how to make money online, or are you only using me for your own personal gain?

Of course I’m using you. I’m exploiting your desire to become rich and powerful in order to increase my own personal wealth.

That’s exactly the sort of brilliance I will teach you if you subscribe to my RSS Feed and visit my empire often.

If you can’t wait, check out my Blogging for Dummies section for advice written specifically for you. It’s only condescending if you let it be.

Can’t Wait? Need to know my best money making technique?

If you can’t wait, that’s fine. Donate 20$ and i’ll email you my best money making technique. I’ll tell you how to easily make hundreds of dollars using your blog.

Just keep in mind, I will eventually reveal this secret on my blog to everyone. So you can wait, or let your impatience be your undoing.

It’s your choice…

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Hello minions.

Today we continue in our efforts to exploit Google for our own personal gain. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Google exploits us. Google feeds off our curiosity and our need for knowledge.

Now it’s our turn.

Satisfaction Guaranteed in 30 Days of Your Soul Back!

I’m an evil overlord. Eventually I will have your soul on a skewer in exchange for promises of power I will dangle in front of you but never deliver. But no worries, I offer a limited time warranty! Satisfaction guaranteed in 30 days or your soul back.

Google likes guarantees.

Google is all powerful because it offers access to information instantly

Type in some words, hit search, you’re done. Tons of information at your fingertips. Simple. Brilliant.

Well wait.

It’s only brilliant because the information you get back is relevant to your search. There are millions of websites out there – Google has to rank and decide instantaneously which are best for you.

That’s why Google likes guarantees

Google’s hold on power relies heavily on it’s ability to return relevant search results. How does Google decide which results are most relevant? There are many factors, one of which being the registration period of your domain name.

Did you register your website for 1 year or 5 years? Google see’s this as a guarantee. If you’re committing to your website for a 5 year period, you must be serious. And, you won’t suddenly disappear…

Not sure what your current registration period is? Visit Host Gator and go to the forums section where an active user will help you find the information you need.

Google likes it’s reputation. What’s the risk of linking to you?

Google doesn’t look good if it sends visitors to websites that are about to vanish for eternity. It’s reputation takes a hit when the information disappears. Thanks for nothing Google. Back to square one.

That’s not good business.

If two websites have equally relevant information, which do you think Google will send you to? Definitely the one that will still be around tomorrow. That makes people happy. Thanks Google! You sent me here and for years now this has been an invaluable resource!

Brilliant.

Think I’m crazy? Check the Google Patent.

I realize some of you need proof. Take a look at what Google has to say on the subject:

Google says: “Certain signals may be used to distinguish between illegitimate and legitimate domains. For example, domains can be renewed up to a period of 10 years. Valuable (legitimate) domains are often paid for several years in advance, while doorway (illegitimate) domains rarely are used for more than a year. Therefore, the date when a domain expires in the future can be used as a factor in predicting the legitimacy of a domain and, thus, the documents associated therewith.”

Rank better in search engines by renewing your domains for longer periods

I’m an all powerful evil overlord because I exploit this and the many other weaknesses exposed by Google.

Looble is awesome. But that’s not enough. If I want to collect the souls of random peasants browsing the internet, I need to make sure my empire ranks high. I need to make sure the peasants find Looble.

Only then can I convert them to minions.

And don’t be fooled. You might be awesome, smart, egomaniacal, whatever. It doesn’t matter. The key to success is an army of minions. Why else do you think Google, Apple and Facebook are such powerful overlords? They command armies larger than the population of small countries.

Start recruiting your army of minions, learn the art of search engine optimization.

What are you waiting for, renew your domain names and websites now with Host Gator.

Don’t waste time, every second counts. Visit Host Gator immediately and renew your domains now.

If you don’t have a website, what are you waiting for? A website or blog is the perfect way to finance an evil empire, register one now and start making money online.

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It’s simple. I listed my demands, they were not met. Sure you managed to get 10 players online twice during the month, but the average was still 4-5 players. Sure some people donated, but I still lost money.

That’s not all. When you invest in building a giant space laser, you have to use it. Imagine the view from my moon base? I have front row seats to the destruction…

That’s why yesterday morning I strapped the giant space laser activation codes to Larry my remote controlled pigeon and launched him into orbit from my moon base pigeon catapult. The engineers operating the giant space laser are situated in a private lab rented out of Area51 in Nevada. I can’t just call them up, so we always communicate using Larry our courier pigeon.

Unfortunately Larry did not survive the trip from the moon to Nevada – he burned up during atmospheric reentry. R.I.P good friend, you will be missed.

Luckily for all you Battle City players, the activation codes perished with Larry and so the Battle City Server could not be annihilated in time. For two consecutive months I have failed to destroy the server, but you know what they say, third times a charm.

Yes, that means Battle City will live one more month. Enjoy your final days, next time you won’t be so lucky…

Once again here are my demands:

You have until May 26th to play Battle City. If at that time there is not an average of 10 players online or donations totaling at least 30$, the server will be destroyed.

Your evil overlord,

- Deceth

—
Battle City is an open source online tank wars game. Orb the enemy to win!
http://battlecity.looble.com

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Back in December 2009 I asked for help to keep the Battle City Server alive. It’s time again. Time to decide if the server lives or dies…

As of right now, death of the server has been scheduled for April 26th, 2010. My suggestion is, take action to save the server, or enjoy your final days.

Saving Battle City is simple.

Option 1: If people start playing the game, I’ll keep the server up. If my minions are using the service, I would be a fool to shut it down. As an evil overlord, keeping my minions happy is the best way to avoid a mutiny.

Option 2: Someone donates. Paying for Battle City out of my pocket is taking a toll on my ability to finance other evil operations. If someone else helps cover the costs, I’ll keep the server up.

If something is going to happen, it’s up to you. The only contribution I plan to make is pushing the big red button on April 26th. Or not. You have 1 week left to decide…

The time for suggestions is over. It’s time for action. Ever wanted to run your own online multiplayer game? The head administrator spot is open, someone just needs to take it.

—
Battle City is a free online tank wars game. Orb the enemy to win!
http://battlecity.looble.com

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You might even be given the right to breed in a post-apocalyptic future run by cyborgs.

Step 1 – Setup a Website

Unfortunately GoogleBot does not eat traditional foods. In order to take control of this powerful robot you must register a website.

Think of your website as a spoon full of pudding. Yes, your website is the key to harnessing GoogleBots power.

Need help setting up a website? Contact me. What better way for an Evil Overlord to recruit new minions than by helping them setup their own internet fortress? Plus, if I offer you my assistance now for free, maybe I can sell you something in the future.

Brilliant plan as usual.

I’m on a tight budget, can’t I just feed it cheeseburgers?

Do you honestly think cheeseburgers will help you hack Google? If only it were that simple…

Cheeseburgers will help you achieve world domination, but they won’t help you hack GoogleBot. Cheeseburgers are great if you combine them with funny looking cats and even better for secret vaccine distribution. If you want to hack Google, you need to know GoogleBots favorite foods. Unfortunately it’s not cheeseburgers.

Give GoogleBot what it wants and you shall be rewarded.

Ok, so what does GoogleBot eat?

GoogleBot is a giant robot (and I mean huge!) that Google keeps hidden in a secret laboratory. Its only purpose is to enslave humanity via ranked indexing of the internet. What does this mean? It means for now GoogleBot is happy eating websites. The time will come when GoogleBot eats our brains via neuron networks, but that’s another story. Granted, that would make finding memories much faster…

Hold on, GoogleBot plans to eat my website!?

Exactly! GoogleBot is going to eat your website whether you like it or not. I know you’re thinking, “Holy sh*t, I worked hard on that site”, but don’t worry, GoogleBot doesn’t physically eat your website. That would be ridiculous. GoogleBot simply consumes your content.

If you are what you eat, then GoogleBot is what it eats. Since you control your website, you control what GoogleBot eats.

The logical conclusion is that you now control GoogleBot. Well actually, you control GoogleBots diet. … If you want to control GoogleBot, you still need to learn the right recipe.

What recipe will give me control over GoogleBot?

Feed GoogleBot search engine optimization. GoogleBot cannot resist SEO.

SEO is the art of feeding crawlers like GoogleBot the right recipes to make them work for you! If thats not cool, I don’t know what is! Interested in finding out more? Check out the SEO blog from the experts.

By gaining control of GoogleBot, you can re-direct highways of traffic to your website. Remember when I promised you fame? Guess what, you just acquired an audience. You’re famous.

All you need to do is master the SEO recipe.

Brilliant! Teach me some SEO so I can conquer the universe!

Are you ready for fame, fortune and success? If so, you need to begin by arming yourself with the best SEO tools. Remember, you’re not the only one who wants a piece of GoogleBot…

The tools are great – just like an airplane is a great tool for travel. But, if you’re not a pilot, the only way an airplane is useful is if you have a ticket. The good news is that learning SEO is much simpler than aviation school. There are tons of SEO Blogs, just search Google!

If you’re not sure where to get started with SEO, Ask me, or get professional SEO assistance.

Which SEO recipe will give me the most control over GoogleBot?

Just like cooking is a skill that takes time and practice, search engine optimization is an art you master over time. The content you feed GoogleBot will get tastier and tastier as long as you keep SEO in mind when designing websites, writing content and deciding on titles.

Can you point me to the best SEO Resources to help me get started?
Everybody has their own personal learning preferences. Some people like training, others prefer playing with the tools, reading blogs or watching videos. Whatever your preference, one of the below links are exactly what you are looking for to help get you started conquering the world.

• SEO Videos
• SEO Blog
• SEO Tools
• SEO Training

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Going green with spray paint?

You know what really makes me want to plunge? Spray painting mountains green in order to answer calls for more attention to environmental protection.

Wait, an actual mountain was spray painted green?!?

Yup. It’s actually quite impressive. Not because they managed to paint an entire mountain green, but because this was an approved government project. Take a moment to consider what something like this involves.

• Pressure is put on China to be more environmentally friendly. Someone mistakenly says, “Hey, you guys need to go green!”.
• A meeting is called, people gather to discuss the problem. The question is asked, “How do we go green? Any good ideas?”
• Someone jumps up from the crowd and suggests, “Let’s cover some barren land with green toxic paint, that will solve the problem! It will show the world we can go green!”
• The idea is discussed and debated. It’s even improved. “Let’s do this on a mountain, so the world can really see our renewed efforts to go green!”.
• Against all odds, the project is approved.
• $60,600 is spent on putting the plan into action.

Requirements gathering – Important in all areas of life…

This isn’t the case of a crazy person running around with a can of spray paint. Somewhere along the way, this plan could have been trashed, but no – it lived on, was approved, and financed. In my software engineering world, this is a clear case of the implementation not satisfying the requirements. Sure they went green, but the objective of improving the environment was not met, not by a long shot.

Even Evil Overlords want to Protect the Environment

$60,600 worth of toxic paint could have been used to purchase 13,060 pounds of Perenniall Ryegrass seeds, enough to cover 1,632,343 square feet. The end result would also have been a green hillside, with plenty of seeds leftover to feed an entire fleet of remote controlled pigeons.

If you’re ever stuck choosing between grass and spray paint, go with the grass – it’s a renewable resource. If you want to achieve world domination, you have to invest wisely. Spray painted mountains are unsustainable, but grass just keeps on growing. It’s also a good idea to avoid upsetting environmentalists if you want to keep your evil schemes out of the media spotlight…

For a Quick Fix Always Go with Cardboard or Duct Tape

$60,600 could also have been used to plant a fake forest with green cardboard trees. Sure, this is also a waste of money, but it’s recyclable. Cardboard can be made to look like anything. If you don’t believe me, check-out the sets of your favorite movies and TV shows. If you need a quick solution to a problem, cardboard can help you fool anyone. If you want to make a fake forest on the side of a mountain, cardboard trees will be a lot more realistic than spray painting the ground neon green.

In fact, when in need of a quick fix, cardboard and duct tape can be used to solve most of your problems. It’s not a good long-term solution, but when fleeing your secret moon base, cardboard henchmen duct-taped to your self-destruct timer will distract Austin Powers long enough for you to escape.

Feng shui not an Excuse for Poor Management

Locals speculate that “officials of the surrounding Fumin county, whose office building faces the mountain, were trying to change the area’s feng shui – the ancient Chinese belief of harmonizing one’s physical environment for maximum health and financial benefit”.

This means that government officials came to the conclusion that the best way to harmonize the environment for maximum health and financial benefit was by wasting money on destroying the environment even though the environment is necessary for good health and investing money wisely is necessary for financial benefit.

Nobody is this stupid.

As an evil overlord, whenever it comes to your attention that minions are blaming extremely poor decisions on feng shui, this can only mean one thing – you have a mole.

Let me put it to you this way. It’s a hard knock life, but that molé molé has got to lick your nine.

Killing the Environment is bad for Morale, even in an Evil Organization

For some reason people think evil overlords couldn’t care less about the environment. This is crazy. When I retire from overlording, I want to spend my days sipping mojitos on a beautiful tropical beach, not drinking recycled sewage in an overcrowded landfill with an oxygen tank strapped to my back causing terrible tan lines.

I want to take over the world, not destroy it.

Protecting the environment and spray paint don’t go together. In fact, anytime you see a skull and crossbones image on a product, don’t go dump that product on a hillside, chances are its a bad idea.

Guess What? Nuclear Power Plants Suck too. Ask David Suzuki.

Don’t let politicians fool you. Protecting the environment and nuclear power don’t go together.
A nuclear power plant creates less air pollutants than a coal burning power plant, but that doesn’t make it the best alternative.

The fact is simple, a nuclear power plant is a giant spray-paint can with millions of skulls and crossbones drawn all over it. As of 2000, Canada has 35,000 tonnes of highly radioactive nuclear waste, with nowhere to put it. With a radioactive half-life of 25,000 years, nuclear waste remains dangerous for 250,000 years (And these are just the problems faced when a nuclear power plant is working properly!).

The damage from spray painting a mountain green will be gone long before the damage from nuclear power plants.

And I like my mojitos.

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It’s brilliant. An evil overlord must always be ready to flee the scene quickly…

Why sync with SVN?

If you carry the latest version of your files on a USB stick, the day will come when you lose all your files. USB sticks are small and portable which makes them prone to loss or theft. What you should carry on your USB stick is the ability to access the latest version of your files. FTP or VPN are two ways to access your files, but SVN has many advantages over them if you’re working with and changing files frequently (read/write!).

What are the advantages of SVN over FTP and VPN?

FTP, VPN and SVN all have different purposes. If you’re working on the development of software, SVN is the clear winner because it will track changes made to your files and allow you to revert to an earlier version if necessary. If you work on the same files from a few locations or if you are part of a team of developers, SVN will also make merging the files together extremely easy.

If everything you have read so far makes sense, then you might be interested in another debate, Git vs SVN – Which is Better? Otherwise, just keep reading.

Why use a USB stick? Can’t I just download an SVN client, get my files and start working?

If you lose your USB stick, then yes, you can use an SVN client to get your files and begin working. This however is unnecessary overhead. By using your USB stick you can sit down at any computer and immediately begin working. If the computer has network access you can first get the latest version of any changed files. If the computer doesn’t have network access, you can still work on the version saved on the USB stick and then merge this with the latest version the next time you do have network access.

Time is money. How do you expect to finance your evil operations if you splurge your time? Carbon-14 isn’t about to stop decaying every-time you twiddle your thumbs.

Are there other advantages to using a USB stick for development?

Another advantage to using a USB stick for development is that you don’t need to save any files on the computer you’re using. If you’re working on private documents or proprietary software it is especially important not to leave behind source code! Working from the USB stick is much more convenient because you don’t have to constantly delete all your files when you’re done. Just take them with you. (If you’re forgetful and your project is private you should also consider encrypting the data on your USB stick…! Read my Top 5 Things to Put on Your USB Stick)

Getting started: Install Rapid SVN on your USB stick

Put a copy of Rapid SVN (http://rapidsvn.tigris.org/) on your USB stick so that you can connect to your SVN repository and access the latest version of your files. When you’re ready to work, checkout the latest version of your files into a folder on the USB stick.

When you’re done working on a file, add the latest version back into the repository. Your USB stick and the repository will now both have the latest version of the file. If you lose the USB stick, your files are safe. If you move between computers, your privacy is safe. If you go offline, you can still work.

It’s the perfect mobile development solution.

This is all great information assuming I have an SVN repository. How do I create an SVN repository?

First you need to decide if your project is open source or private… If your project is open source, there are many free SVN hosting providers available. I use Google Code for my Looble Labs projects (http://code.google.com/p/looble/) and GitHub for Battle City. Below are some free SVN hosting providers for open source projects:

• http://code.google.com/
• http://www.assembla.com/
• http://github.com/ (Not SVN… Read more about git http://git-scm.com/)

What if my project is Private? Can I still use SVN? .

If your project is private (not open source) there are still a few free options available. Below are some free private SVN hosting providers:

• http://unfuddle.com/
• http://www.codespaces.com/
• http://www.xp-dev.com/

Can I host my own SVN repository on my computer?

Yes!

Subversion is an open source version control system. You can download the latest version at http://subversion.tigris.org/. You can find installation instructions at http://svnbook.red-bean.com/en/1.5/svn.intro.install.html

Git is also a free open source version control system. You can download the latest version at http://git-scm.com/. You can find installation instructions at http://book.git-scm.com/

Should I use SVN or Git?

In my opinion, SVN and Git are both excellent options. I use SVN for my Looble Labs projects and Git for Battle City. For more information read Git vs SVN – Which is Better?

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